Creating Understanding of My Heart?

I am a saboteur, or a sabotage artist, of my own life: more specifically, my love life.

Whenever I find myself beginning to feel attracted to someone, no matter how small the attraction, I begin searching for reasons why that person would never work with me. The first and easiest reason is spiritual beliefs- if we don’t share similar beliefs then there really is no hope for a future together.

After that I move on to a wide variety of other reasons. Does he smoke? Does he cuss? Is he a liar? How does he feel about sex and intimacy? What are his friends like? What are his plans for his life? Is he a serial dater? Does he drink or use drugs? The list goes on.

I keep my eyes wide open for the first sign that it wouldn’t work. Doing so has very effectively kept me from becoming seriously interested in anyone. Sure, every once in awhile there is a person I like being around, but I’ll always have that flaw in my head, so, I am safe from developing any real feelings. It will never go past being friends. It’s a method, no matter how messed up, that always works.

Or at least, used to always work.

I am now finding myself becoming attracted to a guy I really don’t want to be attracted too and I can’t find anything wrong with him. It is scary and foreign, and happening way to fast. Why can’t I find a flaw? Why can’t my defenses be activated? Why am I letting him wriggle his way right to my heart without putting in any real effort?

I just wish he would stop saying things that make me want to open myself up completely to him. I don’t want to be hurt, but how do I protect myself when my emotions will not listen to me.

How is it even possible? Love doesn’t happen in an instant. It doesn’t hit you like a speeding train. You fall slowly in love with someone. Right? I don’t believe in first sight, that is simply lust…but then why since the moment I heard his voice all I want to do is talk to him, learn who he is, and investigate every inch of his inner being.

Listening to him explain something gives me this warm peaceful feeling. It isn’t like those crazy butterflies from high school; it is calm and nice, and definitely doesn’t make you want to throw up. It is kind of like your soul is being caressed in a soothing manner, as if someone was playing with your hair. And that my friends, is a very scary sensation.

I don’t know how it happened. I honestly can’t figure it out at all. It should be completely and utterly impossible to have these raging emotions after only a week. It can’t be real, can it? I don’t want to like him, because to like him this fast would be crazy. Maybe that is the answer: I am completely and utterly insane. There we go a logical answer. I mean I don’t even know him, so there is no possible way I could truly like him.

Yet…all the little parts of him that I have seen so far, I like a lot. Each time he reveals another little piece of himself I find that I like it a lot. Is that what falling in love is? Loving every little part of the person as they reveal it to you?

The thought that he wasn’t at all attracted to me reduced to a sobbing mess running to my best friend needing some form of advice to pull myself together.

And then just like that, he had me hooked again. I am fully aware that this could hurt, that in all honesty it could crush some small part of me, perhaps it could even make it near impossible to believe in romance for a long time. However, knowing all of this, I can’t stop myself. I have tried and tried again to reason myself out of these emotions, but no matter what I do my heart refuses to listen.

I don’t want to be falling in love with someone I barely know, I don’t want to be left heartbroken, I don’t want to lose control of my emotions, I don’t want to fall any deeper into these emotions, I don’t want it at all. Yet, as unreasonable, unimaginable, as all of this is, I simply cannot convince myself to stop.

So here is to jumping blindly into a body of water and not knowing if it is deep or shallow: if it will leave me paralyzed and in agony, or the ever small chance that it is deep and will be the greatest and most beautiful dive anyone has ever made before.

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Creating Growth, Confusion, and Longing

So many thoughts running through my head, I’m not sure how to even begin to sort them all out.

The end of last month I threw myself a pity party. It was big and it was pathetic. I wallowed in feeling sorry for myself over basically nothing. Thankfully it only lasted a few days before I heard a few harsh words I needed to hear and I slapped myself together. Trying to remember now…I have absolutely no idea why I was even feeling sorry for myself. I write this now as a reminder to myself not to allow any part of my mind to wander back to any of those thoughts.

After I pulled myself together, I enjoyed graduating my new member academy at the firehouse and conquering my first twenty four hour shift. I also dominated an interview for an emergency department tech position and was offered a job; I go over the details tomorrow. With that I was able to put in my notice at my current job.

I think leaving my current job is going to be an enormous positive influence in my life. Though I truly believe I am a stronger person now for enduring the time I spent there. Who knew working at a pizza place would be so hard. From the teasing and sexual comments to the constant ridicule about my beliefs and the way I live my life, to the continuous harassing about how pure and innocent I was as if it was a bad thing.

Since when is the word “virgin” used as an insult? Or more importantly, why? I choose to live a biblical life. Because of that, I don’t eat certain foods, I don’t cuss, I don’t participate in dirty jokes, and I don’t mess around with boys. Why is all of that seen as a bad thing?

What has happened to our society that I have been told by different people that my flaws include being “too pure” and “too nice”? Why in the world is purity and kindness frowned upon? I wonder if it is just a scary thought for those that aren’t. The people that want everyone to play in the dirt with them so they don’t feel so dirty. I think that is kind of pathetic.

Why is it that people are so quick to judge, label, and wish to change or destroy?

For instance, today, for the first time ever, I started talking to a friend of one of my friends. Out of nowhere I am starting to be interrogated by that person’s ex simply because I was having a conversation with someone. I am still trying to piece together what made them jump to the conclusion that something was going on between me and a person I had barely known for three hours. Is that how to world normally works? Am I just working on some other weird level and I’m the one out of the loop? If so, keep me out of the loop. I don’t want to partake of that kind of world.

I’d prefer stay on the outside if the inside is that ugly. However, I am learning I cannot do that with all the aspects of my life. It is still my responsibility to love and to show kindness and mercy even to those that have hurt me- especially to those that have hurt me. So, I am learning how to smile even as I see the knife coming to stab me again.

I admit it is hard and my flesh wants to fight it the whole way…but my heart knows it is the right thing to do and therefore it is what I will do. I will love and show kindness, even if it means being hurt again. I will do so, because I know that is what my love desires of me and he paid such a higher price for me than I could ever even imagine partaking.

p.s. Oh Ish, I know not where you are. Until you find me I lean upon Yashua and look to him for guidance. I am doing my best to stand strong and firm and wait patiently for you. I could wait until the end of my days, because I know that even if I don’t see you here on this earth I will be with you in the kingdom. However, I wish dearly to be with you. For you to hold me in your arms, play with my hair, and whisper YHVH’s words to me to build me up. For you to be here to encourage me in my growth and help pull me through the trails. I wish to fall deeper and deeper in love with you each and every day. I wish to have a family with you and make a home. Oh how I wish for you to find me. Until then I am loving you and preparing myself for you.

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