Just a Passing Storm

I am engaged to the wonderful man that swept me off my feet and into a whirlwind of love. It is a strange sensation looking into the eyes of the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and knowing that he wants to do the same. We actually practice meditating together while gazing into the other’s eyes. Sometimes I feel as though I am falling in so deep that I am inside of him.

Yet…I am still struggling to be intimate. Well, intimate in the sense of physicality. When we first started dating we agreed that we wouldn’t lose ourselves to urges of passion until we were united in the covenant well known as marriage. For some reason, the fact that we are now engaged is weighing down on my feelings of inability to be physical. I am worried that I will not be able to be intimate…or maybe I am afraid of being able to.

It really doesn’t make sense to me. I just…blah. Perhaps that is not the real problem at all: just a convenient excuse.

The much more reasonable answer is the overwhelming feeling of uselessness I have been experiencing. Ever since my injury and loss of my career as an EMT Firefighter I have felt this weight on me. Not so long ago I received an e-mail reminding me to re-certify my EMT license. I can’t however. You have to be currently working or having been working within the past 6 months with special circumstances.

I don’t know why that frustrates me so badly. I knew that my career as an EMT and especially a Firefighter was over. I just am having trouble coping with that. Add on that my injury has been acting up causing me intense pain and brutally reminding me that my choices at what I can do for the rest of my life are severely limited.

I feel useless. I can’t do anything. I am trying to be happily engaged and simply plan my wedding. How can I though when the mounting cost of a wedding is burring me and I can’t do anything to help out. And I repeat, I feel useless.

But I know I can’t give up. I know there is a purpose: a reason. I have to rely upon my Ish and YHVH to pull me through. I know this is just a passing storm- I will come through stronger and better for withstanding it.


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