From Death to Determination: Finding the Lost Love that I Burried and Forgot

I was drowning. Lost in the waters of uncontrollable emotions. I had given up hope and was ready to stop fighting against the torrents that tossed me about and allow myself to slip into oblivion. I was ready to die.

Then something funny happened- I decided to live. Now, I don’t mean simply breathing, eating, taking up space type of living, but consciously living. I had made the decision to live with purpose and passion.

Everything had started to spiral downward when I was given a choice: my relationship with God or my relationship with a man I had fallen madly in love with. I had choose God; or at least that is what I told myself and anyone who asked. However, with the ensuing depression, self pity, lack of motivation, and thoughts of suicide, I had really chosen no one. I walked away from both the men in my life and fell into a dark hole.

It was only when it dawned on me that I had turned my back on God when I turned away from my at the time fiance, that I was able to start picking up the pieces of my broken life. I was able to see what a miserable person I had become: I was cynical, weepy, drunk half the time, totally self consumed, and filled with multiple other emotions I couldn’t even name.

I also realized that I had a choice. I could stay that miserable person, I could die or I could become the most awesome version of me that I possibly can be. I chose the last option.

Now, I am on the beginning of my journey, but I can already tell you that it is so much better than where I was before. I know that the journey may become difficult, that there may come times I want to give up, and that there may even be people that will feel (possibly express) resentment and my becoming healthy- however, I have made up my mind and refuse to turn back.

I can do all things through Him who created me, and i know that He will be with me, because I am doing this for Him. I know that He wants His children to reach their fullest potential, to be beacons of light and love. I couldn’t call myself a Son before, because what type of representation of Yahweh does that give? I couldn’t even call myself a slave, for I was presenting nothing of value for anyone. I was dead; and like Yashua, I am rising again and shall become the glory and the love this world needs.

I am on the quest for spiritual perfect and know that it will encompass mind, body, and soul. I am opening myself up to Yahweh to be the best me everyday, and improve myself everyday. When someone sees me, I want them to see love. That is my ultimate goal: to be a vessel of my Father’s love.

If you look around and all you can see is hate and sadness and no matter how hard you look there is no love to be found- become the love that you so desperately seek.


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