I am Beautiful

Can you look in the mirror and say that you are beautiful?

 

I was re-reading my post here and felt the need to elaborate and clarify. I am at a point now where I know that I feel beautiful. I have no idea if anything has changed so that others perceive me this way, but something has changed within me. I can appreciate how beautiful I am from the tips of my fuzzy toes to every single hair that likes to frizz after being brushed- I am dazzling.

 

I smile when I catch my reflection in the mirror, because I like what I see. I love the fire that flickers in my eyes and the joy that twitches at my lips. When I gaze into the mirror I am not distracted by “flaws”, but empowered by the determination that cloaks my being.

 

I used to not be able to walk by a window front without looking in disgust at a blemish or a dreaded pimple that dared to rear its hideous head. I used to be petrified if I walked into the bathroom after being with company and realizing that my hair was a disheveled heap that had slowly escaped the binds of the elastic band that promised a prim and proper bun. I used to see ugly in myself every single time I looked, because I felt miserable and wretched at my core.

 

But I didn’t have to stay there! Yahweh showed me a light, a light that had always been there that I was too preoccupied to see; and in that light was a warming glow of love that can heal every wound you have ever suffered- and I started to heal.

 

I am still healing, but the thing is: I am in love with the healing. I don’t need the end result right now, I am so enamored by the shear adventure the journey to get there has to offer. Each day offers a new piece of the new me. Each day offers choices to embrace old broken habits or make new ones to be proud of. And even if I stumble and fall and scrap my knee and break my nose, I know that my Father will be standing there patiently and with love offering His hand to help me back up.

 

I refuse to give up or go back. I don’t care how many times I fall down, I will get back up and continue on this wonderful path I  never imagined having the pleasure to walk. Because I can see the beauty in God’s creations, I can see the beauty He put into making me.

 

I know that I am beautiful, because I was made in His likeness and Yahweh is the most beautiful thing to behold, even if all you can see is the after glow of His love.

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Creating a Proclimation

Here I am in a new year and wondering how I got here.

I am become more and more aware that I am an adult. That I have a job, bills, and that if I’m not looking out for myself, I am the only one to blame. It seems odd to finally have that feeling of: wow, this is what life is like; while at the same time still feeling just a bit like a kid. I have been struggling a growing through a few things.

I am learning that there is a lot to learn about my body. Over the past few months I have begun to change my diet to eat healthier foods and cut out the junk that I don’t really need. It came as a shock to me to find out that I had taken healthy eating too far and that I actually needed to eat more calories than I was taking in on a regular basis and that I needed even more since I have begun to exercise regularly.

See, my goal is not to lose weight in any of this. In fact, I am very happy with where I am at physically even though the actual number confuses me. My goal is to be able to keep up with the boys in the fire station and to be able to be at 100% throughout my entire twelve hour shift at the hospital. Right now, my endurance and strength just aren’t up to par. On top of all of that, I am still healing from previous injuries to my back, hip, and knee.

My plan of action included integrating yoga into my life on a regular basis. I have actually fallen in love with yoga, and if I haven’t done my yoga for the day I have a longing for it. I did a short session this morning and plan on completing another routine before bed.

The other part of my plan was starting some sort of high impact physical exercise. At first I was kickboxing and now I am doing Jillian Micheals 30-day shred. And if the pain I am feeling now is any indication, by the time I am done with the work out I should be much stronger.

Despite all of this: the eating healthy, exercising, and taking care of me: I still feel…lacking? I’m not sure what the proper word choice should be. I know that I will dress up really nice and proclaim that I am beautiful, because if I’m not the one saying it then no one else will. It kind of wears on you when no one takes a moment to point out that they think you are beautiful, that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Instead of doing what some of my friends do and say that I am ugly fishing for a compliment; I will walk into the room with a smile, do a little runway strut, spin 360, and compliment myself.  Sometimes I think it annoys my friends, but I have to keep proclaiming that I am truly beautiful if I am going to make myself believe it.

In the bottom of my heart I know that Papa thinks I am so incredibly beautiful and that He believes I am gorgeous even on my very worst day. But, for me to actually truly believe after so many people telling me that I am not is an uphill battle every day and it is only through the strength YHVH gives me that I am able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see.

On that note, however, I have let my relationship with my Papa slide. Perhaps that is way the little battles day to day are becoming harder for me. I pray every day, but I have made it routine. Something I do out of habit rather than an intimate relationship with my counterpart. I had myself convinced that reading a chapter of my bible every now and then was sufficient because I was busy.

I am standing up to myself now to say “NO!” that is not okay. How dare I proclaim to people that I am a Son of YHVH and believe in His word as the absolute truth when I haven’t read every book there is, let alone every word.

I am going to start from the beginning and read through. I will share questions and experiences with you as I do. I’ll share everything I can. Through reading I will also refocus myself.

I will rekindle the fire that burns within me that is so in love with YHVH. I will have an even more intimate relationship with my Papa than I have ever had before. I will be a Son approved and an Isha to be cherished. I will be the bride ready and waiting for Yashua’s return.

Creating Understanding of My Heart?

I am a saboteur, or a sabotage artist, of my own life: more specifically, my love life.

Whenever I find myself beginning to feel attracted to someone, no matter how small the attraction, I begin searching for reasons why that person would never work with me. The first and easiest reason is spiritual beliefs- if we don’t share similar beliefs then there really is no hope for a future together.

After that I move on to a wide variety of other reasons. Does he smoke? Does he cuss? Is he a liar? How does he feel about sex and intimacy? What are his friends like? What are his plans for his life? Is he a serial dater? Does he drink or use drugs? The list goes on.

I keep my eyes wide open for the first sign that it wouldn’t work. Doing so has very effectively kept me from becoming seriously interested in anyone. Sure, every once in awhile there is a person I like being around, but I’ll always have that flaw in my head, so, I am safe from developing any real feelings. It will never go past being friends. It’s a method, no matter how messed up, that always works.

Or at least, used to always work.

I am now finding myself becoming attracted to a guy I really don’t want to be attracted too and I can’t find anything wrong with him. It is scary and foreign, and happening way to fast. Why can’t I find a flaw? Why can’t my defenses be activated? Why am I letting him wriggle his way right to my heart without putting in any real effort?

I just wish he would stop saying things that make me want to open myself up completely to him. I don’t want to be hurt, but how do I protect myself when my emotions will not listen to me.

How is it even possible? Love doesn’t happen in an instant. It doesn’t hit you like a speeding train. You fall slowly in love with someone. Right? I don’t believe in first sight, that is simply lust…but then why since the moment I heard his voice all I want to do is talk to him, learn who he is, and investigate every inch of his inner being.

Listening to him explain something gives me this warm peaceful feeling. It isn’t like those crazy butterflies from high school; it is calm and nice, and definitely doesn’t make you want to throw up. It is kind of like your soul is being caressed in a soothing manner, as if someone was playing with your hair. And that my friends, is a very scary sensation.

I don’t know how it happened. I honestly can’t figure it out at all. It should be completely and utterly impossible to have these raging emotions after only a week. It can’t be real, can it? I don’t want to like him, because to like him this fast would be crazy. Maybe that is the answer: I am completely and utterly insane. There we go a logical answer. I mean I don’t even know him, so there is no possible way I could truly like him.

Yet…all the little parts of him that I have seen so far, I like a lot. Each time he reveals another little piece of himself I find that I like it a lot. Is that what falling in love is? Loving every little part of the person as they reveal it to you?

The thought that he wasn’t at all attracted to me reduced to a sobbing mess running to my best friend needing some form of advice to pull myself together.

And then just like that, he had me hooked again. I am fully aware that this could hurt, that in all honesty it could crush some small part of me, perhaps it could even make it near impossible to believe in romance for a long time. However, knowing all of this, I can’t stop myself. I have tried and tried again to reason myself out of these emotions, but no matter what I do my heart refuses to listen.

I don’t want to be falling in love with someone I barely know, I don’t want to be left heartbroken, I don’t want to lose control of my emotions, I don’t want to fall any deeper into these emotions, I don’t want it at all. Yet, as unreasonable, unimaginable, as all of this is, I simply cannot convince myself to stop.

So here is to jumping blindly into a body of water and not knowing if it is deep or shallow: if it will leave me paralyzed and in agony, or the ever small chance that it is deep and will be the greatest and most beautiful dive anyone has ever made before.

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