I am Beautiful

Can you look in the mirror and say that you are beautiful?

 

I was re-reading my post here and felt the need to elaborate and clarify. I am at a point now where I know that I feel beautiful. I have no idea if anything has changed so that others perceive me this way, but something has changed within me. I can appreciate how beautiful I am from the tips of my fuzzy toes to every single hair that likes to frizz after being brushed- I am dazzling.

 

I smile when I catch my reflection in the mirror, because I like what I see. I love the fire that flickers in my eyes and the joy that twitches at my lips. When I gaze into the mirror I am not distracted by “flaws”, but empowered by the determination that cloaks my being.

 

I used to not be able to walk by a window front without looking in disgust at a blemish or a dreaded pimple that dared to rear its hideous head. I used to be petrified if I walked into the bathroom after being with company and realizing that my hair was a disheveled heap that had slowly escaped the binds of the elastic band that promised a prim and proper bun. I used to see ugly in myself every single time I looked, because I felt miserable and wretched at my core.

 

But I didn’t have to stay there! Yahweh showed me a light, a light that had always been there that I was too preoccupied to see; and in that light was a warming glow of love that can heal every wound you have ever suffered- and I started to heal.

 

I am still healing, but the thing is: I am in love with the healing. I don’t need the end result right now, I am so enamored by the shear adventure the journey to get there has to offer. Each day offers a new piece of the new me. Each day offers choices to embrace old broken habits or make new ones to be proud of. And even if I stumble and fall and scrap my knee and break my nose, I know that my Father will be standing there patiently and with love offering His hand to help me back up.

 

I refuse to give up or go back. I don’t care how many times I fall down, I will get back up and continue on this wonderful path I  never imagined having the pleasure to walk. Because I can see the beauty in God’s creations, I can see the beauty He put into making me.

 

I know that I am beautiful, because I was made in His likeness and Yahweh is the most beautiful thing to behold, even if all you can see is the after glow of His love.

Genesis Reflection One

I started re-reading my bible today from the very beginning. At first I was just reading through knowing that out of all the books Genesis is the one I know best. But then I slowed down and started over and really focused on the words and everything I had studied on it before and it was beautiful.

The love story portrayed in those first few verses is simply priceless. YHVH takes this ugly, void, chaotic mass and sees something precious in it. So, He extends Himself over it and pushes His light into it. Before YHVH puts His Spirit on the mass it is complete darkness, but afterwards the darkness can be separated from the light. So, there is still darkness, but now there is light to see, feel, cherish, and take hold of.

YHVH doesn’t stop there, He also molds and shapes the mass constantly separating and binding up. After each thing He does He blesses the mass.

Then the truly marvelous part, He turns an ugly chaotic void into an Isha by giving her the power to create life. By giving her the ability to bear seed, He is accomplishing something remarkably beautiful.

Yashua will mirror this same scenario. He comes into a dark, desperate, dying, unrighteous world; yet, he still accepts it as his bride. He teaches and grooms showing how to grab hold of the light and depart from darkness. He reforms as he heals the sick, dying, and dead. Finally, he gives his life so that his bride can have life again by taking hold of his life.

To me the comparison really stands out, but I am struggling to put the concept into words. It’s just something that when it hits you it is wow. It made me step back and realize that I once was ugly, void of life, emotion, happiness, love, and chaotic. However, YHVH saw through as dark as my life was and saw something in me that no one else not even I could see. He wrapped Himself around me and introduced light into my life. Then piece by piece he remolded me by loosening all that was unrighteous and unholy and binding love, faith, and obedience. He placed a light in me that I can share through love to bring life into the world- a light so precious and worth more than any jewel. With that He is constantly blessing me and building me up even when I start to look ugly again, He brushed me up, pushes in deeper, and brings my light back full force.

I am an Isha, because my Papa, YHVH, has made me one. I am a bearer of life. I must keep that in the forefront of my mind, because if my light becomes dim it not only harms me, but everyone who then can’t see my light which is my Papa’s love in me.

Creating a Proclimation

Here I am in a new year and wondering how I got here.

I am become more and more aware that I am an adult. That I have a job, bills, and that if I’m not looking out for myself, I am the only one to blame. It seems odd to finally have that feeling of: wow, this is what life is like; while at the same time still feeling just a bit like a kid. I have been struggling a growing through a few things.

I am learning that there is a lot to learn about my body. Over the past few months I have begun to change my diet to eat healthier foods and cut out the junk that I don’t really need. It came as a shock to me to find out that I had taken healthy eating too far and that I actually needed to eat more calories than I was taking in on a regular basis and that I needed even more since I have begun to exercise regularly.

See, my goal is not to lose weight in any of this. In fact, I am very happy with where I am at physically even though the actual number confuses me. My goal is to be able to keep up with the boys in the fire station and to be able to be at 100% throughout my entire twelve hour shift at the hospital. Right now, my endurance and strength just aren’t up to par. On top of all of that, I am still healing from previous injuries to my back, hip, and knee.

My plan of action included integrating yoga into my life on a regular basis. I have actually fallen in love with yoga, and if I haven’t done my yoga for the day I have a longing for it. I did a short session this morning and plan on completing another routine before bed.

The other part of my plan was starting some sort of high impact physical exercise. At first I was kickboxing and now I am doing Jillian Micheals 30-day shred. And if the pain I am feeling now is any indication, by the time I am done with the work out I should be much stronger.

Despite all of this: the eating healthy, exercising, and taking care of me: I still feel…lacking? I’m not sure what the proper word choice should be. I know that I will dress up really nice and proclaim that I am beautiful, because if I’m not the one saying it then no one else will. It kind of wears on you when no one takes a moment to point out that they think you are beautiful, that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Instead of doing what some of my friends do and say that I am ugly fishing for a compliment; I will walk into the room with a smile, do a little runway strut, spin 360, and compliment myself.  Sometimes I think it annoys my friends, but I have to keep proclaiming that I am truly beautiful if I am going to make myself believe it.

In the bottom of my heart I know that Papa thinks I am so incredibly beautiful and that He believes I am gorgeous even on my very worst day. But, for me to actually truly believe after so many people telling me that I am not is an uphill battle every day and it is only through the strength YHVH gives me that I am able to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see.

On that note, however, I have let my relationship with my Papa slide. Perhaps that is way the little battles day to day are becoming harder for me. I pray every day, but I have made it routine. Something I do out of habit rather than an intimate relationship with my counterpart. I had myself convinced that reading a chapter of my bible every now and then was sufficient because I was busy.

I am standing up to myself now to say “NO!” that is not okay. How dare I proclaim to people that I am a Son of YHVH and believe in His word as the absolute truth when I haven’t read every book there is, let alone every word.

I am going to start from the beginning and read through. I will share questions and experiences with you as I do. I’ll share everything I can. Through reading I will also refocus myself.

I will rekindle the fire that burns within me that is so in love with YHVH. I will have an even more intimate relationship with my Papa than I have ever had before. I will be a Son approved and an Isha to be cherished. I will be the bride ready and waiting for Yashua’s return.

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