I am Beautiful

Can you look in the mirror and say that you are beautiful?

 

I was re-reading my post here and felt the need to elaborate and clarify. I am at a point now where I know that I feel beautiful. I have no idea if anything has changed so that others perceive me this way, but something has changed within me. I can appreciate how beautiful I am from the tips of my fuzzy toes to every single hair that likes to frizz after being brushed- I am dazzling.

 

I smile when I catch my reflection in the mirror, because I like what I see. I love the fire that flickers in my eyes and the joy that twitches at my lips. When I gaze into the mirror I am not distracted by “flaws”, but empowered by the determination that cloaks my being.

 

I used to not be able to walk by a window front without looking in disgust at a blemish or a dreaded pimple that dared to rear its hideous head. I used to be petrified if I walked into the bathroom after being with company and realizing that my hair was a disheveled heap that had slowly escaped the binds of the elastic band that promised a prim and proper bun. I used to see ugly in myself every single time I looked, because I felt miserable and wretched at my core.

 

But I didn’t have to stay there! Yahweh showed me a light, a light that had always been there that I was too preoccupied to see; and in that light was a warming glow of love that can heal every wound you have ever suffered- and I started to heal.

 

I am still healing, but the thing is: I am in love with the healing. I don’t need the end result right now, I am so enamored by the shear adventure the journey to get there has to offer. Each day offers a new piece of the new me. Each day offers choices to embrace old broken habits or make new ones to be proud of. And even if I stumble and fall and scrap my knee and break my nose, I know that my Father will be standing there patiently and with love offering His hand to help me back up.

 

I refuse to give up or go back. I don’t care how many times I fall down, I will get back up and continue on this wonderful path I  never imagined having the pleasure to walk. Because I can see the beauty in God’s creations, I can see the beauty He put into making me.

 

I know that I am beautiful, because I was made in His likeness and Yahweh is the most beautiful thing to behold, even if all you can see is the after glow of His love.

Creating Understanding of My Heart?

I am a saboteur, or a sabotage artist, of my own life: more specifically, my love life.

Whenever I find myself beginning to feel attracted to someone, no matter how small the attraction, I begin searching for reasons why that person would never work with me. The first and easiest reason is spiritual beliefs- if we don’t share similar beliefs then there really is no hope for a future together.

After that I move on to a wide variety of other reasons. Does he smoke? Does he cuss? Is he a liar? How does he feel about sex and intimacy? What are his friends like? What are his plans for his life? Is he a serial dater? Does he drink or use drugs? The list goes on.

I keep my eyes wide open for the first sign that it wouldn’t work. Doing so has very effectively kept me from becoming seriously interested in anyone. Sure, every once in awhile there is a person I like being around, but I’ll always have that flaw in my head, so, I am safe from developing any real feelings. It will never go past being friends. It’s a method, no matter how messed up, that always works.

Or at least, used to always work.

I am now finding myself becoming attracted to a guy I really don’t want to be attracted too and I can’t find anything wrong with him. It is scary and foreign, and happening way to fast. Why can’t I find a flaw? Why can’t my defenses be activated? Why am I letting him wriggle his way right to my heart without putting in any real effort?

I just wish he would stop saying things that make me want to open myself up completely to him. I don’t want to be hurt, but how do I protect myself when my emotions will not listen to me.

How is it even possible? Love doesn’t happen in an instant. It doesn’t hit you like a speeding train. You fall slowly in love with someone. Right? I don’t believe in first sight, that is simply lust…but then why since the moment I heard his voice all I want to do is talk to him, learn who he is, and investigate every inch of his inner being.

Listening to him explain something gives me this warm peaceful feeling. It isn’t like those crazy butterflies from high school; it is calm and nice, and definitely doesn’t make you want to throw up. It is kind of like your soul is being caressed in a soothing manner, as if someone was playing with your hair. And that my friends, is a very scary sensation.

I don’t know how it happened. I honestly can’t figure it out at all. It should be completely and utterly impossible to have these raging emotions after only a week. It can’t be real, can it? I don’t want to like him, because to like him this fast would be crazy. Maybe that is the answer: I am completely and utterly insane. There we go a logical answer. I mean I don’t even know him, so there is no possible way I could truly like him.

Yet…all the little parts of him that I have seen so far, I like a lot. Each time he reveals another little piece of himself I find that I like it a lot. Is that what falling in love is? Loving every little part of the person as they reveal it to you?

The thought that he wasn’t at all attracted to me reduced to a sobbing mess running to my best friend needing some form of advice to pull myself together.

And then just like that, he had me hooked again. I am fully aware that this could hurt, that in all honesty it could crush some small part of me, perhaps it could even make it near impossible to believe in romance for a long time. However, knowing all of this, I can’t stop myself. I have tried and tried again to reason myself out of these emotions, but no matter what I do my heart refuses to listen.

I don’t want to be falling in love with someone I barely know, I don’t want to be left heartbroken, I don’t want to lose control of my emotions, I don’t want to fall any deeper into these emotions, I don’t want it at all. Yet, as unreasonable, unimaginable, as all of this is, I simply cannot convince myself to stop.

So here is to jumping blindly into a body of water and not knowing if it is deep or shallow: if it will leave me paralyzed and in agony, or the ever small chance that it is deep and will be the greatest and most beautiful dive anyone has ever made before.

Simple Statistics

  • 553 Readers