Dreams Lost

It is a strange sensation to realize you don’t really recognize yourself anymore. To wake up, look in a mirror, and wonder what happened to the person that you thought you were. I’m not sure whether it is a good or a bad thing that I have changed: perhaps time will tell.

The fires of passion are fickle little beasts that can consume you whole and then leave you dry. One day you are willing to stand in front of a speeding semi if it would help your cause and slowly, without noticing the change, you simply don’t care anymore. I don’t want to give the impression that hope is dying; the exact same thing happens in reverse. Simple little things that I never ever cared about before, I am now giving lectures on to anyone willing to listen.

So, is this shifting of dreams just the normal path of life, or am I missing something crucial? Has something happened without me noticing that now has me spinning out of control? Is there a force in action that I need to be battling to stop these changes, or can I simply ride it out and see where I end up? Perhaps I am just questioning myself because I question everything in life.

My birthday just passed and I am even further into needing to be an adult. Yet, try as I might, everything I thought I had figured out has crumbled away. Everything I thought I wanted to do with my life is gone- slowly stripped away by broken dreams and harsh reality.

On the other hand, I have met the love of my life. He completes me entirely. My love and trust in him has brought me further away from home than I have ever been; and although positive, has completely changed my life. Life in the city is simply different than living in the mountains: not saying better or worse, simply different. However, I wouldn’t trade living in the familiar for the love that I have now. A couple more weeks will mark one year with the man who proved that I do have a soul mate. And as happy as I am being with him I can’t help but feel like something is missing.

A purpose. That is what is missing from my life. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Well, I know that I want to be a wife and a mom and have an amazing home, but until then is missing. I feel like I should be doing something meaningful and helping people. Perhaps that is the influence of growing up being told that you are special, but deep down inside of me I feel that it is true. That I can make a difference. That I can do something. That something somewhere is calling out to me and waiting for me to respond. I keep waiting for the synapses in my brain to connect the dots and provide me an answer, but for now I come up blank.

I know this longing is magnified by my rocky relationship with YHVH. I don’t even feel right calling Him Papa right now with how I have been treating our relationship. I know that needs to be fixed before anything else will make sense. I know that imbalance gravitates outwards and affects everything else. I just don’t know how to fix something when I can’t identify where it is broken. Or maybe that better description would be that it is broken in so many places I don’t know where to start building from again.

Hopefully the next time I write I will have found one of those cracks and filled it in causing the ripple to reverse and bring a little clarity.

Creating a Memorial

Earlier today I received a phone call from my mom, who let me know that one of my childhood friends had been killed in Afghanistan. At first I just took it and didn’t really feel anything. It was like I didn’t really process it. I went about finding the article that documented the event and looking up family to give my condolences, but it still hadn’t hit me yet.

It wasn’t a couple hours later that it really hit me and I began to break down. I couldn’t believe that Tofu was gone. This is the first time I have lost anyone that wasn’t significantly older than me. Kids shouldn’t die, old people die and even that is hard enough to deal with.

Then as I began to break down I felt like I didn’t deserve to be upset over his death, because we hadn’t be in touch in years. I struggled with that for a while before I realized that it didn’t matter, that he had a significant impact on my life and that was enough to mourn his death.

Tofu and his sister were my first friends when I moved into this state. We lived near each other and would hang out and play all the time. First they moved, but we still went to the same high school, and then I switched high schools for my senior year and we drifted apart. But those years that we basically spent every single day together really had an impact on me.

Throughout the day I have danced between crying uncontrollably, feeling numb and nauseas, and attempting desperately to keep control. Then about half an hour ago I had a sense of peace wash over me along with a memory.

We had wanted to make a club house. So, we got permission to clean out this one shed and make it ours. So we moved everything out, which was a long hard task, and decided we wanted to paint it to our liking. We spent hours attempting to make the walls look like trees. I am not sure how it started, but I know it was either Tofu or my cousin that did start it, suddenly out of nowhere paint is flying through the air. It didn’t take long for it to turn into an all out paint war. In the end the room was destroyed, we and my dog were covered in paint, my cousin was injured, and we were all soundly beat and punished. However, when I remember it now, all I really remember is how much fun we had together.

I think that is my favorite memory of Tofu and I will treasure it and remember how we were then. If I remember that Tofu, then I know he wouldn’t want me to be crying over him, he would want me to be remembering the good times we had and laughing at all the idiotic things that we did.

So, I am going to curl up with my cherry Garcia ice cream and hot cocoa and watch some food network happy to know that Tofu’s memory will live on and be remembered as a happy one. And I know from the pit of my being the only reason I am able to do so is because YHVH lives inside me and comforts me when I am weak.

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