I am Beautiful

Can you look in the mirror and say that you are beautiful?

 

I was re-reading my post here and felt the need to elaborate and clarify. I am at a point now where I know that I feel beautiful. I have no idea if anything has changed so that others perceive me this way, but something has changed within me. I can appreciate how beautiful I am from the tips of my fuzzy toes to every single hair that likes to frizz after being brushed- I am dazzling.

 

I smile when I catch my reflection in the mirror, because I like what I see. I love the fire that flickers in my eyes and the joy that twitches at my lips. When I gaze into the mirror I am not distracted by “flaws”, but empowered by the determination that cloaks my being.

 

I used to not be able to walk by a window front without looking in disgust at a blemish or a dreaded pimple that dared to rear its hideous head. I used to be petrified if I walked into the bathroom after being with company and realizing that my hair was a disheveled heap that had slowly escaped the binds of the elastic band that promised a prim and proper bun. I used to see ugly in myself every single time I looked, because I felt miserable and wretched at my core.

 

But I didn’t have to stay there! Yahweh showed me a light, a light that had always been there that I was too preoccupied to see; and in that light was a warming glow of love that can heal every wound you have ever suffered- and I started to heal.

 

I am still healing, but the thing is: I am in love with the healing. I don’t need the end result right now, I am so enamored by the shear adventure the journey to get there has to offer. Each day offers a new piece of the new me. Each day offers choices to embrace old broken habits or make new ones to be proud of. And even if I stumble and fall and scrap my knee and break my nose, I know that my Father will be standing there patiently and with love offering His hand to help me back up.

 

I refuse to give up or go back. I don’t care how many times I fall down, I will get back up and continue on this wonderful path I  never imagined having the pleasure to walk. Because I can see the beauty in God’s creations, I can see the beauty He put into making me.

 

I know that I am beautiful, because I was made in His likeness and Yahweh is the most beautiful thing to behold, even if all you can see is the after glow of His love.

Struggling With Relationships, Wanting Advice

You can see my original thoughts here and I am going to expand upon them now, this time asking for advice.

So from the article, you can tell I am attempting to mend a broken relationship. I keep trying to reach out to the person, to be there for them, to do little kindness for them without wanting anything in return except perhaps less hate. I really don’t know what I have done to earn so much scorn from this person. What I did that wounded them so.

Whatever it was, I can’t go back and fix it. All I can do is focus on who I am now. That just isn’t working. I notice something is wrong, that they are mad at me and ask about it and they shut me out.

It is troubling how quickly they can become enraged with me and how difficult to near impossible it is to get forgiveness. Yet, I refuse to give up on our relationship. I refuse to throw in the towel and walk away.

I don’t want to give up, I just know that love has to find a way. I just need a fresh look, some new ideas on how to approach this. Any advice would be appreciated.

Be Still…and Know

An absolutely amazing blog by a phenomenal woman that has endured so much and still perseveres. I recommend the reading of her work to both men and women, the young and the old. If you like my writings for the God of it, you will be amazed by her words of truth, wisdom, and passion.

seedofwoman

These past few months, with the loss of my beloved, I keep searching for the wisdom of God in the loss of life.  I have been in the Lord for 24 years and He has always been faithful to speak when it’s important.  My heart is still in a broken place, even though my spirit, perseveres.

So yesterday, I returned to an old favorite scripture.  My knowledge of Hebrew was not was it is now and so I found a new perspective in the letters I saw with new yes yesterday.  The Hebrew word, for ‘be still’ is “rapha”.  Rapha is one of the covenant names of God, Jehovah Rophe, the one who Heals.  It reads in the literal like this:  the healing or be healed, be purified or complete but can also appear to have the opposite meaning, to be sunken down, powerless…in need of healing.

Perhaps, the rest…

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From Death to Determination: Finding the Lost Love that I Burried and Forgot

I was drowning. Lost in the waters of uncontrollable emotions. I had given up hope and was ready to stop fighting against the torrents that tossed me about and allow myself to slip into oblivion. I was ready to die.

Then something funny happened- I decided to live. Now, I don’t mean simply breathing, eating, taking up space type of living, but consciously living. I had made the decision to live with purpose and passion.

Everything had started to spiral downward when I was given a choice: my relationship with God or my relationship with a man I had fallen madly in love with. I had choose God; or at least that is what I told myself and anyone who asked. However, with the ensuing depression, self pity, lack of motivation, and thoughts of suicide, I had really chosen no one. I walked away from both the men in my life and fell into a dark hole.

It was only when it dawned on me that I had turned my back on God when I turned away from my at the time fiance, that I was able to start picking up the pieces of my broken life. I was able to see what a miserable person I had become: I was cynical, weepy, drunk half the time, totally self consumed, and filled with multiple other emotions I couldn’t even name.

I also realized that I had a choice. I could stay that miserable person, I could die or I could become the most awesome version of me that I possibly can be. I chose the last option.

Now, I am on the beginning of my journey, but I can already tell you that it is so much better than where I was before. I know that the journey may become difficult, that there may come times I want to give up, and that there may even be people that will feel (possibly express) resentment and my becoming healthy- however, I have made up my mind and refuse to turn back.

I can do all things through Him who created me, and i know that He will be with me, because I am doing this for Him. I know that He wants His children to reach their fullest potential, to be beacons of light and love. I couldn’t call myself a Son before, because what type of representation of Yahweh does that give? I couldn’t even call myself a slave, for I was presenting nothing of value for anyone. I was dead; and like Yashua, I am rising again and shall become the glory and the love this world needs.

I am on the quest for spiritual perfect and know that it will encompass mind, body, and soul. I am opening myself up to Yahweh to be the best me everyday, and improve myself everyday. When someone sees me, I want them to see love. That is my ultimate goal: to be a vessel of my Father’s love.

If you look around and all you can see is hate and sadness and no matter how hard you look there is no love to be found- become the love that you so desperately seek.